1. You try to give the impression that you’re non-judgmental and open-minded, but you know that secretly, you’re judging the hell out of everybody.
You just can’t help yourself.
2. Sometimes your judgment is justified, like when you see someone tip only $5 on a $150 restaurant bill.
Come on, man. Seriously?
3. But let’s be honest: Most of the time, you’re just judging other people for the sake of judging.
It’s like your hobby.
4. You’re constantly reminding yourself to be more sympathetic, because other people have problems and struggles that you are not privy to.
“Be a better, kinder person today.”
5. But then you hear someone pronounce “nuclear” as “new-cue-ler,” and you can feel your eye start to twitch.
“THERE’S ONLY ONE U IN THAT WORD.”
6. You have tried, without success, to remember that other people’s business is not your business, and you should stay out of it.
Not your circus, not your monkey.
7. Until you see someone air out their personal drama out on social media.
“Oh, that’s juicy as hell.”
8. The worst part of starting a new job is that you don’t immediately have an equally petty work friend to gossip with.
9. So there’s no one to turn to when you find out that your boss’s favourite movie is Prometheus.
“But that movie was GARBAGE.”
10. The second you see someone on Facebook get engaged, you instantly scrutinize the proposal, the ring, and any other detail you can find.
“I mean, sure, if you’re into that kind of thing…”
11. And it’s a constant struggle to keep your real feelings off of your face when an acquaintance debuts a new, less-than-ideal haircut.
“Oh, it looks so… different!”
12. Not to mention when someone you know has a baby and gives it a name that you think is ridiculous.
13. You don’t want to be involved in the drama, but lordy, do you love to watch it unfold.
14. Deep down, you know it isn’t nice to pass judgment on people, but it just feels so good sometimes.
Their tribulations sustain you.
15. Not that you’ll ever let anyone know your true feelings — except your closest, most trusted, and equally judgmental friends.
Your group texts are ruthless.
16. Because the last thing you want is for people to find out all the shit you’re thinking about them.
That would be your literal nightmare.
17. But… every once in a while, a terrifying thought will hit you: “I wonder what people are saying about me?”