So I’m here to give you some recipes for delicious cocktails and advice on how best to optimize your enjoyment of them in ~true cat lady fashion~.
One of the best parts of cat-personhood is the naps. They’re warm, soothing, and if you can get one of your guys to purr on you, absolute heaven. Only thing better than that? Adding some gin and a little lavender to calm the nerves.
2 shots of gin
Juice from one whole lime
Infuse 1 shot of gin with 1 Tbsp. of cooking lavender for two to three hours. Strain the lavender from the infusion and mix with one non-infused shot of gin. Add lime juice, a splash of simple syrup, and a splash of soda water. Before putting drink in the class, coat rim with simple syrup and dip in pile of lavender. Stir with closest available cat toy and enjoy!
Best enjoyed while entertaining your cat with the cat toy stirrer.
You’ve seen your cat find the perfect sun spot and then just relax the day away. On days you feel like curling up on the floor in some sun, whiskey turns this drink into the sun spot that you need.
Peach gummy candy
Put a cube of sugar in a glass, pour over two shots of rye whiskey and three splashes of angostura bitters, and stir. Cut an orange slice out to look like a sun. If you’re feeling extra festive, you can slice peach or cherry sour gummies and craft them into cat ears.
This drink takes a slightly annoying thing about having cats (ahem, hair everywhere) and turns it into a celebration. Besides, there is no annoyance that rum can’t fix.
2 shots of rum
1/2 cup of coconut water or pineapple juice
Squeeze of lime
1 Tbsp. sugar
Coconut shavings as desired
Stir rum, coconut water, and sugar together. Add a squeeze of lime and a crap-ton of coconut shavings. Your cat doesn’t hold back on shedding — why should you hold back on coconut? Exactly. Go all out. The messier, the better. Add mint on top. You go, girl.
Ever watched your cat get super excited about a laser and think, Man, I wish I could get that excited about something! Well, now you can and it involves tequila. The Major Laser will focus and delight you as much as your cat’s laser. Except you’ll be able to catch it, hold onto it, and enjoy the rewards.
Infuse jalapeños with the tequila for a couple of hours by putting a couple slices in the tequila. After the infusion is nice ’n’ spicy, strain and set aside. Add lime juice, simple syrup, and ice. Shake. To make your own lil’ laser dots, dot simple syrup or honey on the rim and dab with some cayenne pepper. Nice.
Best enjoyed while your cat attacks a laser dot.
When you need something soothing but energizing, reach no further than the calming effects of coffee-infused vodka.
Vanilla almond milk
Mix three shots of coffee vodka, 1/2 cup of vanilla almond milk, and a dollop of honey and serve in a little dish. You could alternatively use real milk and a dash of vanilla to taste — but like cats, I am lactose intolerant.
Nothing says ~true cat lady~ like getting in the spirit and making things as your cat would make them. So get to kneading with this carb-y, knead-intensive drink.
One bottle of your fave Belgian white beer
One shot of gin
First, knead the crap out of some berries just as your cat would knead on your pillow or stomach or whatever they damn well please. This gets messy and is a true test of your commitment to the cause (the cat cause). Put those berries and their juices in a glass, pour in your beer, add a shot, and stir. Top with mint garnish if ya feelin’ fresh.
Best enjoyed with berry-stained hands from all the kneading.
This gets its name from what cat scratches do: They hit you hard and they linger for way longer than they’re supposed to. Just like a solid shot.
Your favorite whiskey
Just pour a container of nerds in a plastic bin and put two shot glasses with whiskey on top. You can put more in for a party, if you’d like. Or more for yourself. Up to you. Then you can snack on the Nerds liter. Nice.
Best enjoyed by taking the shot using the handy pooper-scooper.
This drink is useful like kitty litter but more fun because it involves a liter of vodka.
1 liter of vodka
2 bottles of rosé
Sliced fruit of your choice
Pour nerds into a a pitcher (this is optional but is optimal for a litter effect and overall sweetness). Next add sliced fruit. One sliced orange and six strawberries is recommended. Next pour in a liter of vodka. You may be thinking: Why a LITER? To which I say, “Why NOT?” Then pour in your rosé. Stir with closest available cat toy and serve on a cat scratcher. If you’re by yourself, you can cover and save for throughout the week, but this is most perfect for a cat party.
Best enjoyed served on a cat scratch platter to impress all your friends and loved ones.*
*If this just means your cats, all the better TBH.
9. The Hair of the Cat
If you’ve always wished your hangover cure could be cuter and more inclusive of cats, this drink has got you covered.
Pickles or candy for cat ears
When you’re so hungover and don’t want to move, the best thing to do is get some vitamins in your cattail. Mix together tomato juice, vodka, and a dash of Worcestershire sauce. If you’re feeling cutesy, cut two pieces of celery into three, leaving them still attached at the end. Cut a third and arrange to make whiskers and a nose. Use the serrano peppers to make lil’ cat eyes. Depending on what you’re into that day, you can cut some candy into cat ears or use some pickles. The pickles probably taste better but hey, sometimes you need candy. Take two Advil, put on your sunglasses, and nurse that hangover like a goddamn champ.
It’s warm, it’s relaxing, and too many may make you feel like a cat on a hot tin roof.
Boil water for hot tea with whole cloves and two cinnamon sticks in it. Add tea bags into the water and let steep. Take out the tea bags, pour into mug, and add a shot (or two, if you’re feelin’ punchy) and stir. Add a half tablespoon of honey (or more to taste). To make a lil’ lemon cat, slice one lemon round and then cut two triangle pieces. Secure with toothpicks or even a stretched-out bobby pin as seen here.
Best enjoyed yelling “I FEEL LIKE A CAT ON A HOT TIN ROOF” to all your neighbors.
11. Wine in a sippy cup.
Your fave wine
Literally just pour wine in your sippy cup, screw on the lid, and enjoy.