29 Tweets About New York That Will Make You Laugh

When I walk down the streets of New York City I am always truly amazed at how many different kinds of spit there are.

— Paula Pell (@perlapell)

I prefer regular taxis to Uber in NYC cause the driver and I can both treat each other like shit without worrying about getting a bad grade

— billy eichner (@billyeichner)

Living in New York City: Expectations vs reality

— Adam Khan (@Khanoisseur)

Hey, New York City. It’s not a competition. Go ahead and sleep a little if you get tired.

— Tim Siedell (@badbanana)

I feel like new York Im cranky dirty and I never sleep

— Amy Schumer (@amyschumer)

Every seminal piece of writing about New York fails to mention “restaurant awnings with pictures of the food where the flash was left on.”

— Daniel Kibblesmith (@kibblesmith)

ICYMI: The G Train

— Mike Scollins (@mikescollins)

Walking in New York I make eye contact with people’s dogs more than with people.

— Kristen Schaal (@kristenschaaled)

NYC slogan idea: Come live in NYC, where you’ll eat 60% of your meals standing over a sink or walking down the street.

— Ted Alexandro (@tedalexandro)

Every time I walk down a snowy New York street in my peacoat, I trick myself into thinking I’m going to go home and start my screenplay.

— Chris Kelly (@imchriskelly)

A washing machine in your apartment makes you a king in New York, or just like everyone else anywhere else.

— Josh Gondelman (@joshgondelman)

The new J. Crew in Williamsburg is hosting a workshop on mini-pinata making next weekend, so don’t worry, the arts in Brooklyn are thriving!

— Max Silvestri (@maxsilvestri)

Welcome to New York City! Where it smells like your toilet just did an hour of Bikram Yoga.

— Liana Maeby (@lianamaeby)

Fun fact: On average New Yorkers say the words “New York” 37 times a day.

— Kumail Nanjiani (@kumailn)

It’s so cold in New York that I find myself calmly asking, “WHY THE FUCK DO I LIVE IN THIS FUCKING CITY?? FUCK THIS FUCKING HORSESHIT!”

— Chris Kelly (@imchriskelly)

If life was like soccer, New Yorkers would have “stoppage time” added to the end of their lives for time lost on the subway.

— Hari Kondabolu (@harikondabolu)

I know I just landed in NYC because it’s not even 8 a.m. and multiple people are shouting.

— Akilah Hughes (@AkilahObviously)

being upright spooned by a stranger on the subway is literally the only way I know how to start my day

— Ellie Sunakawa (@elliesunakawa)

Success in New York is having furniture that only has one function.

— Michelle Wolf (@michelleisawolf)

Queens is the new Brooklyn which is the new Manhattan which is the new Netherlands.

— Mike Birbiglia (@birbigs)

I like that characters traveling to New York City is a whole genre of movie sequel.

— John Mulaney (@mulaney)

LaGuardia: New York’s 70s Basement.

— Alec Sulkin (@thesulk)

I love New York so much I don’t mind when the tv content in the cab starts repeating itself

— Mindy Kaling (@mindykaling)

I bet the worst part about life in a leper colony is that one guy who keeps complaining about how much better the pizza is in New York.

— Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley)

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