32 Unbelievably Gross Confessions About Relationships
1. Explored hidden depths.
“He complained of an irritated, itchy asshole. I got on my hands and knees, spread his cheeks apart, and examined it with my phone flashlight. It doesn’t stop there – he felt such relief when my finger accidentally grazed the haemorrhoid that I let him lie across my lap for 20 minutes while I scratched his asshole.
“THAT is love, my friends.”
– Whitney (Facebook)
2. Removed a tick.
“We went for a hike and came back to our cabin a few hours later. I was in the kitchen while he was showering and out of nowhere he comes around the corner, butt-naked and soaking wet, looking rather uncomfortable.
“He had a tick on his ballsack. The next half hour was spent with him sprawled out on the floor and me examining his sack trying to figure out the best way to get the tick off. Dish soap ended up saving the day.
“Oh, and did I mention we were on our honeymoon?”
– Caitlin Ranchino Todd
3. Cleaned up their puke.
“On our first Valentine’s Day together, I got bad food poisoning and puked all over my boyfriend’s carpet. He made sure I was OK and insisted on cleaning it himself, while I rested. I was too embarrassed at the time to realise how absolutely sweet of him that was.”
4. Kept them company at all times.
“My ex-boyfriend had the ‘post-rave poop’ if you know what I mean… We were so high that I stood by the door talking to him, and he asked if I would sit with him while he pooped. So I sat on the floor, while he took a shit.”
– Natalie (Facebook)
5. Ate an entire fish head.
“We were staying with a family abroad and invited to a nice family gathering. The first dish served was an entire fried fish.
“He couldn’t eat more than a couple bites so left it to me to eat the rest of his, including the skeleton, head, and eyes. We’re very close now.”
6. Completed a full clean-up mission.
“Last Easter, we went home to my girlfriend’s parents. At some point, we got food poisoning and were basically laid up all weekend. On Sunday, I felt OK enough to drive us back home (about 2.5 hours). My lady was still not feeling great but really wanted to get home.
“About 30 minutes into the drive and passing through the next town over, she screams ‘you’ve got to pull over!’ Since we were on a highway, I was searching for a place to pull over with some privacy. I had just found a small street when she hurls herself out of the moving car. There she is, crying, puking, and shitting on the side of a country highway. I had to undress her, wipe her butt with what I could find, cover the car seat with old grocery sacks and convince her we had to go back to her parents. We’re still together a year later. There’s something about wiping your partner’s bare ass in public that will cement a relationship.”
8. Drained a cyst.
“My fiancé had an epidermal cyst on the back of his neck. He’d had it for a few years when one day he got a spot on top of it, which I popped for him…which then led to the cyst starting to leak. Over two days I helped him squeeze it all out, dress it, and disinfect it. It was the most disgusting thing I have ever seen.”
9. Removed an ingrown toenail.
“I removed an ingrown toenail for my BF – we’re talking the nasty, pus-filled kind. I’ve had chronic ingrown toenails for a decade, with a dozen or so surgically removed, and who knows how many myself. It was his first, and I knew how painful it was for him, so I helped him out.
“Honestly that isn’t even the grossest thing I have done in my life. I have a cast-iron stomach, I guess.”
– Jen (Facebook)
10. Saved them from their own vomit.
“I got really sick last Halloween, when we were driving to a party in Dallas. I could only manage a half-screaming ‘STOP CAR’ before I felt vomit rising. He didn’t understand me. I tried to roll down the window, THEN THE SEATBELT LOCKED UP AND I PROJECTILE-VOMITED EVERYWHERE. Myself. The entire car. Him.
“I was clawing at that stupid seatbelt to release me! It was really choking me. I couldn’t get air in my lungs, from being locked in an upright position, the seatbelt stabbing into my neck, locked. And I couldn’t unbuckle it. So, he stuck his hand in the continuing river of vomit to unbuckle my seatbelt so that I could stop choking and lean over. He cleaned it all up and even threw away the mats in his car, and we laughed about it.”
11. Plunged their No. 2.
“My boyfriend and I went on a trip together (before we were officially dating) and he put waaaaay too much in the hotel toilet after going #2, which caused it to clog. We aren’t one of those ‘oversharing’ couples by any means, but I’m not one of those girls who scream EW every time they hear of poop.
“I turned to him and said ‘I’ve got this,’ mainly because I didn’t think he’d be able to do it right, so I called the hotel maintenance people and asked for a plunger. I could see the relief in the maintenance guy’s face when I told him I would unclog it myself. Took me two seconds to get the job done.
“My boyfriend says it was in that moment where he realised I was ride or die.”
12. Retrieved a “lost” tampon.
“My ex-girlfriend had the string from a tampon break off. Somehow she convinced me that I was the only one that could get it out. So I called my mom (who’s a nurse) and asked her to bring some latex gloves to me after work. And yeah, I gloved up and got that little bastard out of there. I felt like a hero.”
14. Removed a 13-year-old blackhead.
“When my boyfriend was a kid he had his appendix removed, and for as long as we’ve been together (now going on seven years), I’ve always pointed out the spot where his incision was made.
“It just never looked right to me, like two piercing holes that have almost closed up but with something black stuck beneath them. He always said, ‘no it’s nothing, just a scar I’m left with.’ One night as we’re brushing our teeth, I grab him and start trying to pop this little embedded blackhead, and all at once pus starts squirming out of the tiny little hole. Inches of blackhead. A 13-year-old blackhead. Even as a person who doesn’t normally mess around with other people’s zits, this was hands down the most satisfying popping experience of my life. The ‘scar’ disappeared forever, we still laugh in bed about how we sort of miss it.”
– Samantha (Facebook)
16. Wiped their nether regions.
“My girlfriend has Crohn’s disease, and spent a month in the hospital after a surgery to remove parts of her intestines. I had to wipe her butt because she was too weak to with all the medication she was on, and the very large incision in her stomach.”
18. Peeled their armpit skin.
“My boyfriend has a fungal infection on the skin in his armpits. It causes his skin to peel and the only way to keep the pit-dandruff under control in his clothing and in our sheets was to keep peeling away at it. He can’t see it so he has me peel it off for him. True love.”
– Rachel (Facebook)
19. Removed a wart.
“Every guy I have ever dated had a thing with their feet, but the worst is by far the guy I dated who had some sort of blackhead-wart mutant under his foot.
“I gathered my weapons and tools (rubbing alcohol, tweezers, a nail file, and a small knife) and pretty much carved that thing right out of his foot. The only other option, according to the doctor, was freezing it off, which would cause more discomfort than what I’d done. I actually got a compliment for performing this radical surgery so well, along with a ‘please don’t do it again though.’”
– Julie (Facebook)
20. Took care of a drunken “accident”.
“A couple months into our relationship, my boyfriend got blackout drunk at a party so I spent the night with him to make sure he was OK.
“I woke up in the middle of the night to find myself drenched from head to toe in his urine. My hair, underwear, clothes, EVERYTHING. PEED. I had to change all of his sheets and help him undress himself. He didn’t remember a thing the next morning. One year later and still going strong though.”
21. Applied gel to an infected tooth.
“My boyfriends’ wisdom tooth was infected as it was coming in. I suggested he get some Oragel to numb his gums, but didn’t buy anything to apply it with. He asked me to use my fingers to apply it, and like an idiot I obliged. The unholy smell, pus, blood, and spit all over my fingers still haunts me.”
22. Performed post-pilonidal cyst aftercare.
“My husband had a pilonidal cyst** that needed surgery (trust me, don’t google it). He just kept saying “my butt hurts” and after months and months of pain, he couldn’t take it anymore and he went to the doctor. By that point, it had gotten so bad that it abscessed. He would never let me see it, so I had just assumed it was on the butt cheek, kind of like a boil or something. He went for surgery that week and when I went to pick him up, they gave me a crash course on ‘wound care’ so that I could take care of it at home.
“I was not at all prepared.
“At night, he would have a sitz bath, and afterwards, I had to get up close and personal with a huge open wound (packed with what seemed like miles and miles of gauze) that had to ‘self-close’. Every night I had to come home from work and attend to it so that it didn’t become infected – and the cherry on top? It was right beside his anus.
“Like, Right. Beside. His. Anus.
“So here we are, a wild Friday night, he’s watching TV and lying on his stomach, I’m cleaning a giant wound and looking directly into his butthole.
“Have you ever stared at your husband’s gross man anus for weeks on end? It makes you question if your marriage is really worth it. I’m pretty confident we almost got divorced.”
**Can 100% confirm: DO NOT GOOGLE THIS.
23. Pumped their breast milk.
“We went out of town for a night away from our sons and I was still breastfeeding. I forgot to pack my pump and my breasts became so engorged I was in tears. Nothing I did would release the milk (into the hotel sink!!) so he sucked the milk until my flow started haha.”
24. Deep-cleaned a vomit spree.
“On our first New Year’s Eve together, my then-boyfriend-now-husband and I went to party. He proceeded to get very drunk while I stayed sober and a little grumpy so that I could drive us home. I dropped him at the front door and parked the car.
“By the time I made it inside he had projectile-vomited all over his bathroom and himself. He then made matters worse by walking in the mess and then through the house. I cleaned him and sent him to bed before ringing in the New Year cleaning up a truly horrific mess. The vomit was splattered across three rooms, over walls, carpet, and rugs.
“Oh, and because I spent about four hours with the vomit I was able to determine the exact contents of his stomach from the neon-orange color: nothing but copious amounts of Fireball and Nacho Doritos.”
25. Performed a nasal rinse.
“Just months into us dating, I came down with a nasty stomach virus. At the beginning, the vomiting episodes were projectile. At one point, it came through my nose but huge burning chunks were still stuck in there. My now husband performed a nasal rinse and pulled mucus-filled chunks of vomit out of my nose. We are a totally share-all couple anyway, but that takes the cake.”
26. Got up close and personal with a No. 2.
“After a hernia operation my husband was constipated for a week. When he finally went, it wouldn’t flush down the pan, he was in so much pain, and the turd was HUGE. I bravely went into the bathroom with a wire coat hanger, broke up the mass of faecal matter, and poured a bucket of water down the pan to shift it. It was the worst smell in the world. I gagged several times but managed not to be sick.”
28. Put a pill in an unusual place.
“I get severe migraines that come with a lot of throwing up. They leave me very weak and exhausted. Because I couldn’t keep any nausea pills down, I had to embarrassingly ask my now husband to put a phenergan suppository in my bum to stop the vomiting. Thankfully he did it without being grossed out about it.”
30. Cut their toenails.
“I am not proud to report this, but I used to cut my ex’s toenails. He was too lazy to do them himself and they drove me nuts…so I did them myself.”
31. Popped a penis pimple.
“My husband noticed a bump on his penis. After inspection, I guessed it was a pimple and offered to get rid of it. Five minutes later sees me in the bathroom on my knees with a needle poking this thing, and him trying not to pass out. As I squeezed it, I noticed not much was coming out, so I got up close and personal.
“Right about the time I was three inches away, it exploded and shot pus in my eye and all over my hair.”
32. Given birth.
– Angelina (Facebook)